why I'm not your average nice girl

let me tell you s story of a girl i knew - deep down. she's very close to my heart but don't get me wrong; we're not more than just great friends.

life's bittersweet for everyone - whether everyone else can see it or not. AND this is exactly how life is for this girl. she's your average chick where she learns to breathe and live life as it comes to her everyday. But, when times get tough and things get rough - she has her rough side as her personal shield to protect her from getting hurt.

true to be told that sometimes, too much of an armor will eventually hurt oneself inside out. But what can she do, she needs to feel safe especially when there's no one to be there for protection.

see, everyone has pasts and everyone can get caught up in their past(so's this dear girl i know) whether they realize it or not. Realization can be therapeutic yet hurtful & traumatizing but there's help in it.

• once someone destroyed her self esteem by just a few lines of words that struck truth like an arrow right into the center of her heart. it was true but it was something she could not control because she was born with it. so, she gave her all to put up a very strong and cool exterior to protect herself from criticisms and painful remarks such as like that in order to not let past repeat itself.
  
• once life lessons came unexpectedly when she finds herself caught in a too-much drama, too-much complications, too-much stress secret that she still needs to live with until now. yes, now it is completely out from her system already as she learn and realize but side effects still exist deep down & the problem is no one knows about it except one - opening up is never going to be the same; trusting will never be the same again; stepping into a new one will never be easy again...

self-experiences is the source of the strong front she puts to shield the weak inside.

yes, now all the past is gone and never will cause her to get stuck in that dark dungeon anymore because it's not worth her time but regrets still hungover for the fact that these incidents has caused a few other past situations to become the ones that she did not want them to become - if only she gave up on being so caught up with the sources earlier.

that's why she is so afraid of the dark,
that's why she is smile-at-you-but-never-make-use-of-her-or-she'll bite back,
that's why she can be a bitch at times,
that's why she can be so secretive at things,
that's why she had this auto switch that may shut all of sudden,
that's why she is so random at times she doesn't think before she speaks,
that's why she is so strongly opinionated in certain things,
that's why she can knock you down & smack you right in the face (literally or not) when you cross the line,

do you know the girl that I know so closely about?
things will change from now...
***

am i trying to hard? is wanting to just be genuinely happy & fuss-free every morning i wake up so much to ask?